Sometimes ideas should just stay as ideas

So this fine bank holiday weekend, i was down in Balham partying.

Now my birthday is in about 2 weeks a few friends joined me for a drink or two ish…

After a while i had a idea … well click the video to see my bright idea!

 

 

 

 

 

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Are you violating the Male Urinal Etiquette?

by Simon Gangadeen – http://www.SimonGangadeen.co.uk

If you’re a guy and you know the unwritten male urinal etiquette code, you might want to continue reading as there could be a possibility you have once in your life violated the code. The fact that I have to take the time out of my busy schedule of doing nothing just shows how we as men are failing to abide by the code. I shouldn’t have to explain it, this should be in our blood, yet over the past month I have been to America and back, literally, and my fellow man have continually desecrated the code with just a single look or inappropriate noise.

Even today, the male toilets have “toilet attendees”, watching you during urination, handing you towels while you’re wash your hands, even singing you songs to help you along your way. What atrocity is this? I remember take a slash in a restaurant and this attendee shouted out “if you want some love, put on a glove, when you take a pee-pee don’t forget to whip the seatee”, I swear, I couldn’t get out of there any faster.

You‘re probably think using a urinal is a thoughtless procedure, just aim, point and shoot, right?  Well you’re wrong. Here are the proper etiquette rules, just in case you forgot:

1 – This is the most important rule upon entry to the men’s lavatory – Always have an empty urinal between you and the next closest guy. This is to keep you far from the splash radius from the other guy. If there are 5 urinals, you never EVER go to the adjacent urinal. For example, if you see 5 urinals and urinal 2 is being used, you use urinal 4 or 5. However, if urinal 2 and 4 are being used, which one should you occupy you ask? You cut loose in the nearest urinal closest to the exit.

2 – Do not speak to anyone, whether you know him or not keep it shut. Whether it’s half time, your favorite team is winning and you want to boast to the opposing supporter while taking a whiz or just want to have a general chit chat – NO! Just handle your business, wash your pee-pee hands and get out.

3 – During urination, keep your eyes on the job, stay focused on your own business and avoid making eye contact. There’s no point looking at any man while you have your Johnson out unless you want a smack round the face.

4 – Avoid ‘dropping your kids off at the pool’ or taking a number two. You have either two options – hold it until you get home or leave whatever event you are at and make an early exit home. Unless you have had Nandos extra hot chicken, there’s no reason you can’t wait until you get home.

5 – Keep all unnecessary noises to yourself. The only noise which can be deemed acceptable is whistling however that should be kept at a minimal. Any noise like moaning or groaning is another invitation for a swift punch to the gut.

6 – This rule should be abided to at all cost; any violation is a cardinal sin. No touching, patting, handshakes, rubbing of any kind. Any time it is acceptable to touch someone else, if this rule is not adhering to and you need to give them a slap across the face.

7 – And finally, wash those pee-pee hands. I don’t care if you’re on a date and you’ve kept her waiting long enough and you need to get back to her,  wash your hands even if it’s a quick wash, this goes for the “I don’t need my hands to pee” crew, wash your hands regardless.

Now I know there are a small group of ‘Know it all’s’ who think they have abided by these rules, yes I’m talking about you. So take this test, and if you pass then leave a comment and I will apologise. (not)

By the way, I PASSED the test.

http://drinknation.com/fun/urinaltest

Urban London Olympics 2012 #epicfail

Every once in a while i get bored and i search for random rubbish on the internet… and every once in a while i find a beauty!

This is well a #epicfail

Im ashamed to say…i actually know this person. looooool

DONT TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS!!!!!!

NottingHill Carnival 2012

NottingHill Carnival 2012 was heavy this year!! Nuff rum, nuff music, bum bums everywhere cant wait till next year.

Obviously the cameraman didnt get the memo not to take any pics of me loool.

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Would this happen if Hitler was alive?

Olympics diving: Stephan Feck lands on his back

Stephan Feck of Germany exits the men’s 3m springboard competition after a calamitous dive in the second preliminary round.

His foot appeared to slip off the side of the diving board and he entered the water on his back, before being awarded a failed dive.

I can never be a Wingman

Definition of wingman

noun (plural wingmen)

pilot whose aircraft is positioned behind and outside the leading aircraft in a formation.

A guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) that helps to court with women.

 

Being a good wingman requires you to be funny, witty and supportive of friend (point man). A good wingman has no boundaries, his sole purpose is to do whatever needs to be done to make sure that his friend takes down (out) his target, even if it means to run an inference between the target and less attractive friend or the enemy alpha male.

But what happens when your wingman is suddenly too “intoxicated” to help and you’re flying solo to not only distract her chubby friend but outwit the AMOG (Alpha Male Of the Group)?

Now before I tell you a story about a friend of mine (we’ll call him Anders to protect his identity) who asked me to be his wingman for the night as he wanted to ‘scout for some talent’ at the Choice FM reloaded party, I hear you ask What are the key attributes of a good wingman? Well here it is:

He’s able to go undercover

A good wingman does he research before relaying his intelligence to his point man. It’s his job to gather as much intel on about the girl either from her friends, facebook, or twitter. This intel should consist of whether she is single or not, what she likes or dislikes.

He’s suicidal

The wingman is fearless. If you point man targets a desire girl and she is sitting on a table full of women he cannot get passed on his own, it’s the wingman job to bring down the defence’s without fear of being shot down, so while your wingman has drawn their fire, you can swoop in from the rear and bag the girl of your dreams.

He put the mission before his own needs.

This can be a rarity, but still a possibility. If in the event you have two attractive targets in your sight, the point man has first dibs on who he wants and the wingman will keep the other out of range, whether he likes her or not is not essential, he needs to act interested until the mission is complete.

Understand the same language

The point man and wingman must speak the same language. So if in a club, music is pumping, the wingman must codes or signals to relay a message just in case the mission needs to be aborted.

 

Takes a bullet for the pointman

More often than not, you have an AMOG trying to move in on your target or her friend knows she is going home alone and what’s the target to aswell, these person are known as The C*ck Block. The wingman again needs to be fearless and daring, he needs to physically eject the AMOG from the target, and this may require him to either buy him a drink or pick a fight. As for the friend, rule number 3 needs to be applied.

He makes the point man look good.

A good wingman will act as the point mans personal servant, buying the drinks at the bar, pretending to laugh at your jokes when the target is looking in your direction, he’s pop a mint in your mouth if your breath is kickin’ or If he’s drinking too much, he’ll switch the beverage to water to save him from embarrassing himself. Most importantly if the target is in close proximity, the wing man will never embarrass you, he will tell her heroic stories of the point man or at least shout the stories loud enough for her to hear.

He gears you up.

The wingman is not only your friend but your motivational speaker, the manager, the coach, the sergeant, gearing you up trying to boast your confidence before the night out. He will scan the room before the mission starts for potential targets and hazards, also feeding back any useful intelligence to help the point man navigate throughout the night.

Now bear in mind, I have no idea how to be a wingman, but I suppose Anders asked me to join him because 1. He’s better looking than me, 2. I always buy the drinks and 3. I’m engaged.

So anyways, I’m in Brixton with my mate for the Choice FM Reloaded Party, we decided to stop off at KFC where Anders would brief me before we start ”scouting.”

Whenever Anders and I go anywhere he always and I mean always tells me what kinda girl he’s looking for. This is always a ploy to make sure he gets first dibs on girls he “locks on to.”

“Where are the tickets?” I curiously asked while digesting my succulent mini fillet.

“Don’t worry, I’ll sort out the tickets” says Anders, tapping on his blackberry.

Now whenever Anders decides he’s going to sort anything, he either sorts himself out, we’ll end up going home or some sort of illegal activity will take place.

“Have I ever let you down Si?” he arrogantly said. I decided to finish my grub instead of answering.

“I got a DJ to get us in” he says, impressed. At this point, I want to go home, the “itus” is kicking in (Yes I know it only had a mini fillet) and all I’m thinking about is snuggling with my missus in her bed.

If I had a pillow, I’d sleep right in the middle of KFC’s Brixton. “Right, tonight I’ve just signed for QPR after being injuried for a year” says Anders.

“You always use that line” I complain. “And I always bag a talent, don’t I?” Says Anders. He had a point but one day he will met a girl who supports QPR and she will set him straight.

Now Anders is a little on the chubby side so telling ‘potentials’ he’s a premiership football player would be a bit of a misconception; “oh and you’re my cousin”, “Why can’t I be a footballer too?” I say, “Because you can’t play football” says Anders.

I would argue my case but tonight was about Anders and I have to support, encourage instill confidence in Anders (Wingman Code 6)

So where are marching off to The Fridge in Brixton, I’m a little nervous because if I have to run an interference with a girl who’s cock blocking his target, that means I’m flirting outside of my relationship but according to wingman protocol, I have to put the mission before my own needs. Game on!

“Look at all these Thierry Henrys” Anders says excitedly. Anders is a big football fan and an even bigger Arsenal supporter, so whenever he sees a girl who catches his eye, he refers her to his favourite footballer, Thierry Henry.

We finally reach the front of the line for Anders contact to meet us and let us into the club. Over my shoulder I can see Ander eyeing-up a few girls he calls “Locking onto his targets” or more famously “Storing material into the wank bank”

We meet the DJ outside and he ushers us in; “I’ve locked on to one fam” says Anders. I turn around and I see this girl who I swear is a model or something but wearing more make up than an Army of models in a max factor advert.

“I’m gonna make her sign the contract tonight” he says, togging’ my shirt like an excited school boy.

“Get me a double JD and coke” he orders. He locks onto another target is in close proximity and she’s watching, time to morph into his personal butler. Ander breathes in my face and I give him the thumbs up.

After waiting for 30 minutes at the bar, I come back with his drinks, Anders grabs it and ushers me away.

As the night goes on, I’m going to and from the bar with Ander’s JD and coke, Ander is telling his same tired lines “I’ve just signed for QPR” or “My ex didn’t want to date a footballer”, while I’m knocking back double JD’s all night. (Note I only had a mini fillet to eat).

I’m spending most of the night, standing by the bar, watching Anders weave from one girl to another and another.

“Guess how many number’s I have bro?” Anders shouts. “I dunno” I replied, “Enough to get me through the summer mate”, Anders laughs and I down the rest of my drink.

Just as the night was coming to an end, I was completely drunk and wanted to leave. I had already sent my missus several lovey dovey text messages.

“Bruv, there she is” says Anders, “who?” I replied, “My Thierry Henry”. I felt a little uncomfortable with that statement but as his wingman, I was able to decipher this language.

Usually Anders would just go in for the kill, making my job as his wingman very easy. However this task ended up being trickier than I expected.

His target had a c*ck blocker, but this was not any normal c*ck blocker.

 

“Simon, I need you to help me out on this one” Anders orders again. As much as I obey the laws of the wingman, I’m already spoken for and I’d rather not flirt, speak to or distract a female so a friend can get a leg over – but I was drunk and willing to help.

So I’m staggering over to Ander’s target, “Hi I’m Sion (Yes Sion), what’s your name?” I said, “Trina and this is my girlfriend, Jenny” she points at the young lady in the wheelchair next to her.

I look at Jenny who waves at me and back at Trina. I’ve never been in such an awkward moment in my life. “Can I buy you both a drink?” I gentlemanly offered. “I’m not thirsty thank you and you can tell your friend too” she replied.

As I head back to base with about to report a failed mission, Trina taps my shoulder “I’ve seen you before, somewhere”. “Twitter maybe?” I replied, “No, you have a girlfriend don’t you?” I look to Anders and he’s pretends to answer his phone.

“Yeah you’ve got a girl, in fact, I know her, she is goes to the same gym as me” she says.

I look to Anders, giving him all the signals to bail me out but still, he pretends.

“Oh cool” I replied, my voice is shaking. “I’ll tell her you said hi” trying to lighten the mood.

“I’ll tell her myself Simon. You know, It’s lying men like you that makes me glad I prefer women” Trina gives me one look, up and down then wheels her girlfriend out of the club.

Maybe I should have said I play for QPR too.

 

 

Courtesy of Simon Gangadeen www.simongangadeen.co.uk

How To Pick Up A Woman

After you utter these few words no woman is out your reach!!

Could it be Magic……

Wow past couple days being The Random Mr Jay have truly been random.

My blogs been running for 3 months with some mad stories and the one story I didn’t expect to effect anything just went wildfire.

Three days ago ‘Never Link a Girl From South London’ dropped (shoutout to @Movisuals great story) BOOM 100,000 views in 3 days.

Ive been sent a few stories and written a few more myself so ill be putting them up over the next few days  read, enjoy and share.

The Random Mr Jay

@IamMrJay